Eric, you are a superb fantasy writer. This was really well written, the character was amazing and the atmosphere is brilliant. Keep it up. I think you definitely have a brilliant prospect ahead of you.
1. This passage seemed a little overwrought: "This far away there was no sound.... quite a big city." The asyndeton in the first sentence followed three sentences later by polysyndeton was a little questionable, but I think mostly it was the "new god" image that was troublesome. At first, you simply anthropomorphize the fire ("striving to rival the sun itself"), but after the long interval of the polysyndeton clause, you present the fire almost as a personification. It is not simply acting, as a human might, it is a being of its own, a new god. I think what happens is that readers imagine the fire with two separate degrees of realization (metaphorically acting like a being, and as a realized being), which makes it feel like two separate images that you're shifting between. If you present the second version first, however, the issue should clear up; of course a realized being can act like a realized being. That will also give the image time to develop, which I think it needs, given its potency. Also, the last clause of that paragraph runs into a classic pitfall: too many long descriptors (fickle wind, immediate satiation, unwilling sacrifice, immolated flesh).
2. This sentence was so good! “'What’s that?' he called to the traveler. 'Speak up, dog!'” Having Alcurin begin the second of his short sentences with 'Speak', after you'd already foreshadowed the idea of Speaking, makes the tragedy of his decision clear: he is about to get precisely what he asked for.
For #1, here's my rationale. Not that I *succeeded* necessarily, but while criticism is always welcome it is best understood within authorial intent, since then it can be a metric for success/failure. I've always thought asyndetons create a certain narrative distance, making the characters/action more remote, while polysyndetons (can, if done well) create a sense of immediacy and narrative intimacy. I've often thought that's one reason Cormac McCarthy's prose is so visceral: the run-on sentences and constant polysyndetons. Horrid images hit you in the face, bam bam bam bam... and you don't know when they'll end. I'm not saying I was trying to be McCarthy, only that the asyndeton followed by the poly was *meant* to contrast the distance of the old man from the scene with the very immediate realities that were happening in the city. I didn't want to go into the city with a character, but I wanted the horror of that to come across somewhere than just in the abstract, so that the ending could land. ... Again: not saying I got it right. Just laying out that there's a madness to my method.
As for the rest, suffice it to say the critique isn't without merit; Most of those are the result of writing, re-writing, editing, and re-editing that passage. There was at one point a much longer description of the wind being a consort to the fire-god and together their "fickle" dance leaved a swathe of destruction for these poor mortals, very Olympian, yadda yadda. If you think the passage above is overwrought then you'd have stopped reading if I had left that in ... but yes too many descriptors from too many versions survived into the final, I'll admit.
I like the notion that asyndeton is less proximate than polysyndeton; I'll have to consider it further I think you achieved your goal with the first sentence: the repetition of the 'no... noun and prepositional phrase' structure evoked the quiet calm about the old man while simultaneously bringing readers to imagine the scene in the city. I think what threw me was that, instead of lingering with the old man in that paragraph and then moving into the city in a new one, you immediately descended into the city. Since asyndeton and polysyndeton are both forms of lists, they kind of ran together without that structural separation, the former getting caught up in the momentum of the latter. Or perhaps I just read it too swiftly.
Also, I want to suggest that there are lovely images in Cormac McCarthy's work, too! He can use his style to evoke a rising intensity of feeling just as he can use it to barrage his readers with horrid images (and sometimes viscera).
Here's a passage from McCarthy that I had somewhat ready to hand; the rising intensity of the line gives it so much passion and directionality before it screeches to a halt at the full stop. And the full stop /there/ in particular! Oh, it's heartbreaking:
"It rained in the night and the curtains kept lifting into the room and he could hear the splash of the rain in the courtyard and he held her pale and naked against him and she cried and she told him that she loved him and he asked her to marry him."
Okay actually not all. I’ve tried the whole constructed languages thing. Can’t really fathom it. There’s a number of places where I’ve invented specific words—e.g. titles to replace “Duke” or “Sergeant” or “cultural word for ‘leader’”, and in some cases specific cultural objects. Like the wizards staff in this story; there are others like it, and at some point I should name that type of artifact. But mostly, no. I have languages and cultures attached, and an audible vibe for each language, but I’m not going to do any more language building than necessary to be honest. I admire people who do, but it’s not to my strengths.
And I’m glad you enjoy the worldbuilding. There are gaps where there is no iceberg below the waters surface (like language) but I mostly try to play with aspects I have more fleshed out and I find it helps me tell a story….
i think it's fine to not have a dictionary especially if it's just a short(ish) story you're not yet interested in expanding. Either way your work is enjoyed
what a fascinating little story! you pack such a vast world, such a rich history, and such interesting characters (primarily Maldurian, lol) into a short and digestible fashion!
Agree with Bill’s take! This was phenomenal, and I’d love to see more with this character.
Thanks, Keyon!
Captivating! A whole novel could easily grow out of the concepts!
We’ll see! I have a huge corpus of ideas for this character. It’s good to finally put one of them into prose.
Nicely done. I particularly liked the Alcurin character, brief though his appearance was, and ugly though his demise.
Eric, you are a superb fantasy writer. This was really well written, the character was amazing and the atmosphere is brilliant. Keep it up. I think you definitely have a brilliant prospect ahead of you.
Thank you, Ika. The best way for me to repay this compliment is to try to live up to it. Thanks, as always, for reading.
Two notes for you to consider:
1. This passage seemed a little overwrought: "This far away there was no sound.... quite a big city." The asyndeton in the first sentence followed three sentences later by polysyndeton was a little questionable, but I think mostly it was the "new god" image that was troublesome. At first, you simply anthropomorphize the fire ("striving to rival the sun itself"), but after the long interval of the polysyndeton clause, you present the fire almost as a personification. It is not simply acting, as a human might, it is a being of its own, a new god. I think what happens is that readers imagine the fire with two separate degrees of realization (metaphorically acting like a being, and as a realized being), which makes it feel like two separate images that you're shifting between. If you present the second version first, however, the issue should clear up; of course a realized being can act like a realized being. That will also give the image time to develop, which I think it needs, given its potency. Also, the last clause of that paragraph runs into a classic pitfall: too many long descriptors (fickle wind, immediate satiation, unwilling sacrifice, immolated flesh).
2. This sentence was so good! “'What’s that?' he called to the traveler. 'Speak up, dog!'” Having Alcurin begin the second of his short sentences with 'Speak', after you'd already foreshadowed the idea of Speaking, makes the tragedy of his decision clear: he is about to get precisely what he asked for.
I'm glad you picked up on #2 :)
For #1, here's my rationale. Not that I *succeeded* necessarily, but while criticism is always welcome it is best understood within authorial intent, since then it can be a metric for success/failure. I've always thought asyndetons create a certain narrative distance, making the characters/action more remote, while polysyndetons (can, if done well) create a sense of immediacy and narrative intimacy. I've often thought that's one reason Cormac McCarthy's prose is so visceral: the run-on sentences and constant polysyndetons. Horrid images hit you in the face, bam bam bam bam... and you don't know when they'll end. I'm not saying I was trying to be McCarthy, only that the asyndeton followed by the poly was *meant* to contrast the distance of the old man from the scene with the very immediate realities that were happening in the city. I didn't want to go into the city with a character, but I wanted the horror of that to come across somewhere than just in the abstract, so that the ending could land. ... Again: not saying I got it right. Just laying out that there's a madness to my method.
As for the rest, suffice it to say the critique isn't without merit; Most of those are the result of writing, re-writing, editing, and re-editing that passage. There was at one point a much longer description of the wind being a consort to the fire-god and together their "fickle" dance leaved a swathe of destruction for these poor mortals, very Olympian, yadda yadda. If you think the passage above is overwrought then you'd have stopped reading if I had left that in ... but yes too many descriptors from too many versions survived into the final, I'll admit.
I like the notion that asyndeton is less proximate than polysyndeton; I'll have to consider it further I think you achieved your goal with the first sentence: the repetition of the 'no... noun and prepositional phrase' structure evoked the quiet calm about the old man while simultaneously bringing readers to imagine the scene in the city. I think what threw me was that, instead of lingering with the old man in that paragraph and then moving into the city in a new one, you immediately descended into the city. Since asyndeton and polysyndeton are both forms of lists, they kind of ran together without that structural separation, the former getting caught up in the momentum of the latter. Or perhaps I just read it too swiftly.
Also, I want to suggest that there are lovely images in Cormac McCarthy's work, too! He can use his style to evoke a rising intensity of feeling just as he can use it to barrage his readers with horrid images (and sometimes viscera).
Here's a passage from McCarthy that I had somewhat ready to hand; the rising intensity of the line gives it so much passion and directionality before it screeches to a halt at the full stop. And the full stop /there/ in particular! Oh, it's heartbreaking:
"It rained in the night and the curtains kept lifting into the room and he could hear the splash of the rain in the courtyard and he held her pale and naked against him and she cried and she told him that she loved him and he asked her to marry him."
Ugh your world building is perfection. Are you building out a dictionary for the fictional language?
Oh. Uh. Yeah. Totally. Of course. 😅
Okay actually not all. I’ve tried the whole constructed languages thing. Can’t really fathom it. There’s a number of places where I’ve invented specific words—e.g. titles to replace “Duke” or “Sergeant” or “cultural word for ‘leader’”, and in some cases specific cultural objects. Like the wizards staff in this story; there are others like it, and at some point I should name that type of artifact. But mostly, no. I have languages and cultures attached, and an audible vibe for each language, but I’m not going to do any more language building than necessary to be honest. I admire people who do, but it’s not to my strengths.
And I’m glad you enjoy the worldbuilding. There are gaps where there is no iceberg below the waters surface (like language) but I mostly try to play with aspects I have more fleshed out and I find it helps me tell a story….
i think it's fine to not have a dictionary especially if it's just a short(ish) story you're not yet interested in expanding. Either way your work is enjoyed
Ooohhh
“susurration”
New word alert!
Def: "a whispering sound" ... One of my faves. It's always fun to pull out when it's appropriate.
Absolutely. I am a big fan of using the exact right word, even if it is uncommon.
what a fascinating little story! you pack such a vast world, such a rich history, and such interesting characters (primarily Maldurian, lol) into a short and digestible fashion!
utter mastery in wordcraft!